1 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:15,020 This was my wife, tired, listless, just a part -time wife. 2 00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:20,640 Then a friend suggested Benovite. In next to no time, she was a new woman, 3 00:00:20,780 --> 00:00:25,020 lively, vivacious, full of energy, full of fun and joie de vivre. 4 00:00:26,100 --> 00:00:29,040 And it's all thanks to Benovite. 5 00:00:36,140 --> 00:00:41,140 Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Betty Hill Show, and here is Betty Hill. 6 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:56,140 Now there's a rose for the way my spirit rose when we met. 7 00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:02,860 Forget me not to remind me to remember not to forget. 8 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:10,060 A pine tree for the way I pined over you 9 00:01:10,060 --> 00:01:17,020 and an ash for the day I asked you to be true. 10 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:24,140 And the sun and the rain fell from up above 11 00:01:24,140 --> 00:01:30,780 and landed on the earth below in my garden of 12 00:01:30,780 --> 00:01:31,780 love. 13 00:01:33,100 --> 00:01:40,060 Now there's a beetroot for the day you said that you'd beetroot to me. 14 00:01:40,460 --> 00:01:47,240 A sweet pea for the sweet way you always used to smile 15 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,240 at me. 16 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:54,680 But you had friends who needed you. There was Ferdy, there was Liza. 17 00:01:54,800 --> 00:02:01,760 So just for them, I put down a load of Ferdy Liza. 18 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:08,539 And the sun and the rain fell from up above 19 00:02:08,539 --> 00:02:12,720 and landed on the earth below. 20 00:02:13,420 --> 00:02:15,920 My garden of love. 21 00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:24,660 Oh, God, the gardener's left now, and you went with him too. 22 00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:31,780 The fungus here reminds me of the fungus he's having with you. 23 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:38,660 The rockery's a mockery with weeds it's overgrown. 24 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:45,660 The fuchsia's gone. I couldn't face the fuchsia all alone. 25 00:02:46,100 --> 00:02:52,720 And my tears smell like raindrops from the sky above. 26 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:54,940 And poison. 27 00:02:59,530 --> 00:03:02,210 My garden of love. 28 00:03:08,410 --> 00:03:11,590 Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. 29 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,150 Thank you. 30 00:03:14,290 --> 00:03:18,030 It's jolly nice, jolly nice to be with you all again, and it's very nice indeed 31 00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:22,090 to be able to welcome back to the show my old friend Patricia Hayes. Here she 32 00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:25,590 looking younger and lovelier than ever in The Hitchhiker. 33 00:03:27,170 --> 00:03:28,590 Everybody's talking it. 34 00:03:46,430 --> 00:03:47,430 Students? 35 00:03:49,470 --> 00:03:50,470 Not yet. 36 00:03:50,970 --> 00:03:52,450 But I hope to be eventually. 37 00:03:52,770 --> 00:03:54,010 How old are you? 38 00:03:54,510 --> 00:03:55,530 That's my business. 39 00:03:55,990 --> 00:03:57,490 And how long have you been? 40 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:58,960 In business. 41 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,980 Well, I'm old enough to go with girls, if that's what you mean. 42 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,900 You go all the way? 43 00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:08,080 If you'll pardon. 44 00:04:09,060 --> 00:04:11,800 Do you go all the way to St. Albans? 45 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:13,380 Yes, I suppose so. 46 00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:19,320 You're not... You're not upset by anything, are you? You're not running 47 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,320 from someone. 48 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,960 Well, a father had no right carrying on like that, coming round to my house at 49 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,980 three o 'clock in the morning, upsetting my mother, bringing the police round. 50 00:04:27,340 --> 00:04:30,200 And he'd come round and I don't know what happened to me. I just went berserk 51 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,400 and I hit one on me, laid it on the floor and I ran and I ran and I ran and 52 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,660 haven't stopped running until you picked me up. No, it was horrible. I tell you, 53 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:37,680 it was horrible. 54 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,620 You want to tell me about it? 55 00:04:39,860 --> 00:04:41,600 I just told you about it. 56 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,000 There you go. 57 00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:45,600 I mean, I thought she was 17. 58 00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:48,740 I mean, she looked 17. She told me she was 17. 59 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,700 And how old was she? 60 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,120 38. 61 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,180 Soon you could reach a promise. 62 00:04:54,820 --> 00:04:56,900 38? Well, I quite like older women. 63 00:04:57,210 --> 00:04:59,190 You have an Oedipus complex. 64 00:04:59,770 --> 00:05:01,050 No, I like cats. 65 00:05:02,150 --> 00:05:04,570 Tell me, how long is it since you last ate? 66 00:05:05,190 --> 00:05:09,870 I've been eating all the time. I just raid the farms around here and eat 67 00:05:09,870 --> 00:05:11,430 and carrots and all that. 68 00:05:12,070 --> 00:05:14,070 Don't you sometimes feel like a rabbit? 69 00:05:15,050 --> 00:05:16,510 Not very often, no. 70 00:05:17,530 --> 00:05:22,590 Look, why don't you come back to my place for the night? I'm sure I could 71 00:05:22,590 --> 00:05:23,590 you somewhere to sleep. 72 00:05:24,210 --> 00:05:26,510 I mean, you sure I wouldn't put you out? 73 00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:28,370 I don't think so. 74 00:05:28,530 --> 00:05:30,090 It's a very large bed. 75 00:05:35,690 --> 00:05:38,210 Well, you've got my knee in gear twice. 76 00:05:39,010 --> 00:05:42,930 Let me help you off with your coat. Careful, careful. 77 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:47,150 You'll have my shirt off in a minute. Oh, there's no hurry. 78 00:05:49,070 --> 00:05:50,070 Nicely constructed. 79 00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:51,430 Yes, so are you. 80 00:05:51,890 --> 00:05:52,890 Shut up. 81 00:05:54,290 --> 00:05:58,200 Look, this doesn't just... have to be for tonight, you know. This could be for 82 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:03,120 always. Well, I'd have to do things for you. I mean, I'd have to do some work 83 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:06,020 for you, and I mean, I don't do anything for nothing. I mean, I'm not afraid of 84 00:06:06,020 --> 00:06:06,719 hard work. 85 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:08,920 But are you fit for work? Of course I'm fit. 86 00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:10,340 Nothing wrong with my body. 87 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:14,580 Well, I happen to be a trained nurse, and you don't look all that fit to me. 88 00:06:14,580 --> 00:06:17,500 fit, eh? Not fit. I'll show you whether I'm fit or not. 89 00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:20,720 I'll show you whether I'm fit or not. 90 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,440 If I wasn't fit, could I do all that ironing? 91 00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:42,580 Come and sit down beside me. Let's play a game, shall we? Let's play a word 92 00:06:42,580 --> 00:06:43,980 game. I like word games. They're nice. 93 00:06:44,340 --> 00:06:45,340 All right. 94 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:46,780 Do you want to go? 95 00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:48,140 No, let's play the word game first. 96 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,380 It's dollar for word. 97 00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:55,980 Hardly. Oh, then I can't go. 98 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:58,800 You'd better go first. 99 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,240 All right, then. 100 00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:02,420 Adorable. 101 00:07:14,530 --> 00:07:15,530 Desire. 102 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:21,190 Control. 103 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,050 No. Why? 104 00:07:50,750 --> 00:07:52,110 Is there any in virgin? 105 00:07:53,670 --> 00:07:54,670 Well, not. 106 00:07:54,730 --> 00:07:55,730 Well, then I can't go. 107 00:07:57,030 --> 00:08:00,110 Oh, yes. Wait a minute. I give you my fiancé. 108 00:08:27,980 --> 00:08:28,980 After lunch. 109 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,440 Listen, pack it all up. Because I might as well tell you here and now, I don't 110 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,220 believe in... I know what you're on. I don't believe in that sort of thing. 111 00:08:35,659 --> 00:08:36,940 Well, not before marriage anyway. 112 00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,039 And I'm none too sure about afterwards. 113 00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:42,340 Pack it up now. 114 00:08:42,620 --> 00:08:45,020 Oh, my God, you're attractive when you're angry. 115 00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,220 I know. 116 00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:53,060 Oh, this is my husband, George. This is Cyril. Cyril, this is George. 117 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,020 Hitchhiker? Yes. Would you like some cake? 118 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:57,580 What about him? 119 00:08:58,250 --> 00:08:59,250 doesn't like cake. 120 00:09:02,870 --> 00:09:03,870 Here, 121 00:09:09,390 --> 00:09:11,050 he's had all the cake. 122 00:09:11,270 --> 00:09:12,590 Yes, well, he's a growing boy. 123 00:09:13,250 --> 00:09:14,250 Growing boy? 124 00:09:14,550 --> 00:09:19,230 You go out, pick up this uncouth youth. I mean, just look at him. I didn't come 125 00:09:19,230 --> 00:09:20,230 here to be insulted. 126 00:09:20,410 --> 00:09:21,410 Where do you usually go? 127 00:09:54,250 --> 00:09:55,250 cup of tea. 128 00:10:44,490 --> 00:10:46,850 the body. Help you windows, we're going to have a row! 129 00:10:49,370 --> 00:10:52,330 Honestly, you want her, mate, you want her, you can have her. I tell you, mate, 130 00:10:52,350 --> 00:10:55,910 she's poppy, she is. She never made that, that's an individual fruit pie, 131 00:10:55,910 --> 00:10:59,590 is. She makes rhubarb tarts, she does, four feet long and two inches wide. 132 00:11:01,090 --> 00:11:04,390 I tell you, she's poppy. She goes to bed every night covered in vanishing cream. 133 00:11:04,990 --> 00:11:08,730 Went to kiss her this morning, she shot out of me arms like a rocket she did. 134 00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:10,750 Honestly, we don't pay any income. 135 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,200 She won't send any money to the inland revenue because we live on the coast. 136 00:11:16,700 --> 00:11:18,020 She's Bobby, I tell you. 137 00:11:19,060 --> 00:11:22,580 Listen, you wouldn't get there every day. That's just a trap. That's a trap. 138 00:11:22,660 --> 00:11:23,539 That's a trap. 139 00:11:23,540 --> 00:11:25,120 Well, why don't you shut yours? 140 00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:27,300 Oh, Jerry. 141 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,620 I've never been so insulted in my whole life. 142 00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:34,140 Well, that's your fault, isn't it? You should get around more. 143 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:03,960 Well, here at Thames Television, the man responsible for the entire output of 144 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:04,960 films, plays, 145 00:12:05,260 --> 00:12:09,100 documentaries and a feature is now one who is, of course, well known in the 146 00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:10,120 corridors of power. 147 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,000 And his name is Mr. Fred Scuttle. 148 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:14,440 Mr. 149 00:12:14,620 --> 00:12:18,460 Scuttle. Was we on, sir? I had no idea. 150 00:12:18,740 --> 00:12:19,740 Good evening, viewers. 151 00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:23,400 Good evening, sir. Good evening, Mr. Scuttle, and welcome. 152 00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:28,350 Now, Mr. Skytle, tell me, how do you manage to assess this vast and unseen 153 00:12:28,350 --> 00:12:32,050 audience? Well, as you say, they're watching us at the moment. There is a 154 00:12:32,050 --> 00:12:33,590 and obscene audience, sir. 155 00:12:33,970 --> 00:12:39,270 But you must remember that most of our viewers are broken down by age and sex. 156 00:12:39,470 --> 00:12:40,309 I beg your pardon? 157 00:12:40,310 --> 00:12:42,010 Into categories, you see. Oh, I see, yes. 158 00:12:42,790 --> 00:12:45,230 And also into the number of hours they watch, you know, sir. Oh, really? 159 00:12:45,850 --> 00:12:48,370 Someone watch everything that's on, sir. You're joking. They do. 160 00:12:48,730 --> 00:12:52,430 They're having their breakfast. Yes, yes. They're watching the test card 161 00:12:52,430 --> 00:12:53,430 they're eating. 162 00:12:53,820 --> 00:12:55,780 Addicts. Oh, kipple. 163 00:12:57,540 --> 00:13:00,600 They're walking for you, see. They're dedicated, you see. Yes, I see. 164 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:05,820 Now, tell me, how would you assess in numbers the viewing population? 165 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:11,540 Well, we here at Thames assess that we have 96 million viewers, sir. 166 00:13:11,740 --> 00:13:16,320 But, Mr. Scuttle, the entire population of the country is only 56 million. 167 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,800 Some watch more than others. 168 00:13:21,130 --> 00:13:24,510 But, of course, you only investigate a very small proportion. Even so, sir, we 169 00:13:24,510 --> 00:13:26,830 get a very high degree of authenticity, sir. 170 00:13:27,610 --> 00:13:28,389 Do you? 171 00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:31,570 Yes, because our interviewer, you see, sir, he will go into one of their homes. 172 00:13:31,970 --> 00:13:32,769 At random? 173 00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:33,770 Anywhere, sir. 174 00:13:33,950 --> 00:13:38,790 He will go in there and, you see, he will talk to them in their own language. 175 00:13:39,290 --> 00:13:41,810 You mean he will interview them in the vernacular? 176 00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:47,730 If that's where they are, sir. He might have to shout a bit, you know. 177 00:13:49,260 --> 00:13:51,460 Can you hear me in there? No, I can hear you out here. 178 00:13:52,860 --> 00:13:55,260 I've been working with Mike and Bernie Winters, you can tell. 179 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:56,520 I see, yes. 180 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:01,240 Now, tell me, Mr. Scott, let's say a housewife is busy, you know, with the 181 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,580 washing up, and she doesn't want to be bothered. Would your man try and coerce 182 00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:06,580 her? 183 00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:14,520 Well, not while she was washing up, he wouldn't. 184 00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:19,060 He might even help her with the washing up so she could finish it earlier so he 185 00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:20,340 could coerce her a bit. 186 00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:25,700 We don't actually encourage it among our interviewers. 187 00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:30,740 Now, of course, a lot of people do say that we don't see enough new talent on 188 00:14:30,740 --> 00:14:34,080 television. All I can say to that, sir, is balderdash, sir. 189 00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,720 Opportunity knocks last week. Cozy Fanny Trotty. 190 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,140 What a lovely voice she had, sir. 191 00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:44,800 Didn't you hear? They call me Lulu from La Boheme. 192 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:46,960 Wait. It's a marvel, sir. Mr. 193 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,400 Scantle, they call me Mimi. 194 00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:59,880 A big pardon, sir? 195 00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:06,540 I said, um, they call me Mimi. 196 00:15:10,860 --> 00:15:13,220 Have you tried taking longer strides? 197 00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:16,860 Just make a difference, sir. 198 00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:19,320 There's a cheeky lot round here, sir. 199 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:25,100 Now, can you tell us what Thames has in store for us in the future? What haven't 200 00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:26,260 we got? The losers! 201 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,600 The losers? 202 00:15:27,660 --> 00:15:29,760 Thames' answer to the survivors. 203 00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:34,920 Really? Oh, it's dramatic, sir. It's got the whole world of living and 204 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:35,759 everything in there. 205 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,760 It's about... Yes, I was going to ask you what it was about. 206 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:40,480 I was watching. 207 00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:44,820 It's about, sir, a striptease dancer... 208 00:15:45,150 --> 00:15:46,170 From Accrington. 209 00:15:46,410 --> 00:15:50,290 Accrington? Only she isn't doing very well. Why is that? She's 87. 210 00:15:52,210 --> 00:15:58,150 Now then, sir, unbeknownst to her husband... Yes. She invests their entire 211 00:15:58,150 --> 00:16:00,010 savings in a pig farm. 212 00:16:00,310 --> 00:16:04,110 Now, that's not doing very well either, sir. Why is that? It's in Tel Aviv. Oh. 213 00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:08,310 Now then, sir. 214 00:16:11,630 --> 00:16:13,110 He has just... 215 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:20,060 Been sent to prison and is doing 12 years for absconding with 200 barrels of 216 00:16:20,060 --> 00:16:22,320 liquid manure from his place of work. 217 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,000 Oh, he's in the fertilizer business. 218 00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:25,500 Yes, he is. 219 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,160 What do we hear here? 220 00:16:28,180 --> 00:16:31,560 They both are. Mind you, sir, she's glad to see the back of him, sir. Oh, you 221 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:33,180 mean they don't get on very well? 222 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:38,580 No, they've only... He has only spoken to her... Six times since they have been 223 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:42,240 married, sir. Really? Six times. That's very little, isn't it? Not good at all, 224 00:16:42,340 --> 00:16:46,000 sir. No. Anyway, sir, leaving the six children behind in Accrington... Yeah. 225 00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:51,360 She journeys south to Teddington. 226 00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:52,760 Teddington. Oh, yes, yes. 227 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,320 The holy city. 228 00:16:55,780 --> 00:16:56,820 Near the Thames. 229 00:16:57,220 --> 00:17:01,460 That's the one. Yeah, yeah. That is, sir, where she meets up with a man who 230 00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:02,480 works for Huey Green. 231 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,500 Oh, yes. Called Nathan Wide Search. 232 00:17:05,740 --> 00:17:06,740 You see? 233 00:17:06,950 --> 00:17:10,490 No, you see, sir. Well, that is when it gets exciting, sir, and the fun all 234 00:17:10,490 --> 00:17:11,490 starts then, sir. Mr. 235 00:17:11,650 --> 00:17:16,569 Scuttle, I really must say, I think the whole thing sounds rather paté, even 236 00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:20,770 mediocre. That's very kind of you, sir. We do our best here at Thames, and we're 237 00:17:20,770 --> 00:17:22,329 always pleased to get compliments. 238 00:17:22,730 --> 00:17:26,069 Well, I suppose we'll be getting some of the old films as well. And some of the 239 00:17:26,069 --> 00:17:29,470 new ones, sir. Some of the new ones? We've got... They're a bit racy, you 240 00:17:29,510 --> 00:17:30,770 We've got to be careful when you put them on. 241 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,960 Women in love? Have you seen women in love? Yes, sir. Yes, I saw it. I thought 242 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,120 you couldn't miss it, could you? 243 00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:39,300 Well, 244 00:17:39,980 --> 00:17:44,220 sir, you see, we've got some racy. We've got one laced up and ready to go, sir, 245 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:47,140 but we don't know. It hasn't passed the census. Well, I mean, would this be a 246 00:17:47,140 --> 00:17:50,080 moment to have a little sneak preview of it? Well, they have been warned, 247 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,220 haven't they? Well, I suppose if you warn the viewers in advance, it's all 248 00:17:53,220 --> 00:17:55,940 right. All right. Brian and Philip, let it go. 249 00:17:56,140 --> 00:17:57,620 Wind it up. Put it on. 250 00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:00,440 Let's take a chance, sir. Take a chance. You have to take a chance. 251 00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:07,510 Heaven knows what Mervyn would say if he really knew where I went every Friday. 252 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:12,010 But how could I tell him that the girl he knew as a shy young lady from the 253 00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:15,510 typing pool was really a practicing nudist? 254 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:38,720 Twenty -three. 255 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:40,720 You 256 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:47,940 can't 257 00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:51,600 come in. You can't come in. You can't come in. Oh, feed. 258 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,940 Why, Mervyn, what's the matter with you? I've never seen you like this before. 259 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:56,980 I've never seen you like that before. 260 00:18:57,740 --> 00:18:58,840 I don't think it's nice. 261 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,240 Ah, look here, just because I'm a nudist, I'm not a crank, you know. 262 00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:04,020 I'm just the same as anyone else. 263 00:19:04,620 --> 00:19:05,620 Oh, I see. 264 00:19:06,010 --> 00:19:10,610 Why don't you come out and join us? Let the fresh air get to your body. Get 265 00:19:10,610 --> 00:19:14,390 those stuffy old clothes off. Me go out there naked and with nothing on? 266 00:19:14,610 --> 00:19:16,890 Oh, I couldn't. Of course you could. 267 00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:18,670 Now, come on, give it a try. 268 00:19:19,030 --> 00:19:20,710 All right, then. I will. 269 00:19:21,670 --> 00:19:22,670 Stout fellow. 270 00:19:27,830 --> 00:19:31,530 There you are. It isn't so bad now, is it? No, it's quite... What? Hey, look. 271 00:19:32,110 --> 00:19:33,069 Hi, gang. 272 00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:34,530 Hi. Can we come and join you? 273 00:19:34,790 --> 00:19:35,790 Come and join us. 274 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,440 Hello. I didn't expect to see you here. I didn't expect to see you here, but now 275 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,040 I'm here, I'm quite enjoying myself. 276 00:19:43,460 --> 00:19:45,980 That'll never do. We'll have to put him to work, won't we? 277 00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:49,300 Be a puppet, Mervyn, and bring me my bag. 278 00:19:49,580 --> 00:19:50,940 Yes, righty -ho. 279 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:52,240 Mervyn, dear. 280 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:58,040 The blue one. The blue one, righty -ho. Be careful of the towel on it. Don't 281 00:19:58,040 --> 00:19:59,460 drop it, will you? No, no, right. 282 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:02,680 Did you say something? 283 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,040 I thought you did. 284 00:20:10,730 --> 00:20:11,730 I beg your pardon. 285 00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:14,190 This is the one, is it? 286 00:20:15,450 --> 00:20:16,450 There we are. 287 00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:17,890 You dropped my shoes. 288 00:20:18,410 --> 00:20:19,410 Oh, silly me. 289 00:20:20,930 --> 00:20:22,610 Did you say something? 290 00:20:22,850 --> 00:20:23,850 Oh, you did. 291 00:20:26,370 --> 00:20:28,190 Here we are. Are these the ones you want? 292 00:20:28,470 --> 00:20:30,050 Sure. Nothing else? 293 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,109 Righty -ho. 294 00:20:32,110 --> 00:20:33,110 There we are. 295 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:44,340 It was nothing to get excited about, was it? No, it was quite... For 296 00:20:44,340 --> 00:20:54,820 some 297 00:20:54,820 --> 00:20:59,080 more of those dreadful moments of television when things don't go quite 298 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:04,060 we had in way. The way we had in plan. The way that we planned. 299 00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:05,380 The way that we planned. 300 00:21:13,830 --> 00:21:18,850 See, Cassius, I might have loved thee well, and so, Cassius, prepare to die. 301 00:21:19,090 --> 00:21:20,090 Out, woman! 302 00:21:27,330 --> 00:21:28,330 Oh, 303 00:21:33,310 --> 00:21:34,310 do you get indigestion? 304 00:21:34,530 --> 00:21:37,050 Sometimes. Do they help? Help! Stop it! 305 00:21:37,350 --> 00:21:39,350 No, no, dear, no. No, no. 306 00:21:39,790 --> 00:21:40,790 It's not... 307 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:44,080 Stop it. 308 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,320 Harry, stop it. 309 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:46,800 Cut. Don't laugh. Cut. 310 00:21:51,980 --> 00:21:52,980 I'll get it. 311 00:23:55,690 --> 00:23:58,090 No, the music was fine, Ted. No, it's not the melody. 312 00:23:58,370 --> 00:24:01,510 Could you take it a bit slow? Other than that, it was perfect. 313 00:24:01,730 --> 00:24:02,730 Can we go again, John? 314 00:24:03,190 --> 00:24:06,470 No, it was fine. It was just the... You know, you were giving it a bit... 315 00:24:28,490 --> 00:24:31,970 Britain's first lady of fashion, Marie Quey. Hello. 316 00:24:33,470 --> 00:24:38,470 Well, I'm not going to keep you waiting any longer. You go in, then. This news 317 00:24:38,470 --> 00:24:44,190 has not only shaken Europe, it has rocked the whole Western world. I did 318 00:24:44,190 --> 00:24:47,090 you in 1962 that it was going to happen. 319 00:25:15,790 --> 00:25:16,890 more feminine than ever. 320 00:25:17,350 --> 00:25:23,330 Wouldn't you... Wouldn't you men like to see your wives in something long and 321 00:25:23,330 --> 00:25:25,170 flowing? Yes, a river. 322 00:25:26,650 --> 00:25:30,130 As I said before, there will be changes made. 323 00:25:30,370 --> 00:25:33,410 Max is out, for example, ponchos in. 324 00:25:33,690 --> 00:25:35,090 Lucky ponchos. 325 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:52,640 micro mini skirt. 326 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:56,560 You're going to be showing your knickers again, aren't you? Oh, yes, and see 327 00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:57,660 -through blouses are back. 328 00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:58,960 I'll look into that. 329 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,660 I shall be putting mine on at the first opportunity. 330 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:08,360 You'll be showing your tallies again, won't you? Oh, Pat, Pat, get him out of 331 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:09,360 here. Oh. 332 00:26:09,700 --> 00:26:11,720 Can I go wee now? 333 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,440 Yes, you can go wee now. 334 00:26:14,220 --> 00:26:15,220 Wee! 335 00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:17,540 Bonsoir. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 336 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,380 Well, Toto, say good evening to the ladies and the gentlemen. 337 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,780 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 338 00:26:23,260 --> 00:26:24,260 Ah! 339 00:26:25,660 --> 00:26:26,740 She's very pretty. 340 00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:28,240 She's very beautiful. 341 00:26:29,340 --> 00:26:34,120 If I told her she has a beautiful figure, do you think she would hold it 342 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:37,260 me? You're very naughty. Ah! Cognac! 343 00:26:37,540 --> 00:26:42,220 Cognac! Cognac! Cognac! You're not going to have a cognac. You are going to 344 00:26:42,220 --> 00:26:43,220 drink the milk. 345 00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,440 Ah, I don't like milk. It's terrible. 346 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:47,820 It is not terrible. 347 00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:53,330 It's very nice. You don't... like the milk, then I will drink the milk, and I 348 00:26:53,330 --> 00:26:58,090 will drink the cognac. No, while I am drinking the milk, you will recite the 349 00:26:58,090 --> 00:26:59,090 alphabet. 350 00:27:28,810 --> 00:27:29,409 the alphabet. 351 00:27:29,410 --> 00:27:30,410 You... 352 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:17,800 And now, ladies and gentlemen, on the Benny Hill Show, the lovely Lady Bird. 353 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,080 I sure do appreciate letting me come and sit with a while there. I sure do 354 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:55,440 appreciate it. Right neighborly of you. 355 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:58,740 Oh, me, my you purr little thing. Ain't she purr little thing, eh? 356 00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:03,020 You purr little thing ever did. See, your purr is a pimple on a pound of 357 00:31:03,020 --> 00:31:04,020 pork. You know what I mean? 358 00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:06,760 Oh, you a fine looking woman. 359 00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:09,700 You don't mean that. I know that. 360 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:14,280 But you was happy there for a minute, weren't you? 361 00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:16,400 The old little old bees light up. 362 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:17,720 The right one. 363 00:31:48,860 --> 00:31:50,540 Little Dickie Dido. 364 00:32:00,010 --> 00:32:03,990 Well, ma 'am, I reckon I inherited this great gift I have for singing in a hog 365 00:32:03,990 --> 00:32:04,990 calling. 366 00:32:06,330 --> 00:32:08,970 There's only like me and Tiny Tim got it, you know. 367 00:32:09,730 --> 00:32:14,150 I reckon I inherited it from my old granddaddy, old grandpappy Blooper. 368 00:32:14,550 --> 00:32:18,370 Fine old man. You know, he made this yard guitar made out of his own head. 369 00:32:19,990 --> 00:32:22,770 He ain't got enough wood left to make a table. 370 00:32:23,390 --> 00:32:25,890 Oh, he's got a little ticky -tock for you. 371 00:32:26,630 --> 00:32:28,910 You've got to listen. You don't keep your ears on. You're going to hear a 372 00:32:28,910 --> 00:32:29,910 bit. 373 00:32:34,670 --> 00:32:37,810 the day he died, you know. And he knew the end was near. 374 00:32:38,250 --> 00:32:43,650 And he called me over to his bedside and he picked up this Yarkator and sold it 375 00:32:43,650 --> 00:32:44,650 to me. 376 00:32:46,210 --> 00:32:47,250 For $30. 377 00:32:48,030 --> 00:32:49,750 Well, you can't take it with you. 378 00:32:50,050 --> 00:32:51,770 He said he can't take it with him. He ain't gonna go. 379 00:32:52,990 --> 00:32:55,410 He got outspent his money belt. 380 00:32:56,050 --> 00:32:59,110 You ain't listening. Let him take it down. 381 00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:06,400 Little Creek might a healthy place, you know. We had to shoot a man to start a 382 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:07,400 cemetery, you know that? 383 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,320 You're improving. 384 00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:15,540 I only ever once seen a hearse in that town and there was coming down the road 385 00:33:15,540 --> 00:33:18,320 and there was a driver turning around saying, lay down, boy. 386 00:33:18,740 --> 00:33:19,800 Lay down, will you? 387 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:24,560 You pretty as a crook is on a compost heap, you know. 388 00:33:25,620 --> 00:33:27,080 You pretty little thing. 389 00:33:27,420 --> 00:33:29,980 But do you provide your own accompaniment? 390 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,420 No, ma 'am. I got three of the finest. 391 00:33:32,879 --> 00:33:34,060 ever drew breath. 392 00:33:34,740 --> 00:33:36,380 Martin, Barton, and Fargo. 393 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,960 Oh, they's lovely boys, ma 'am. 394 00:33:41,220 --> 00:33:45,060 I'll never forget the first time I seen them. I come over to Browder Hill, and 395 00:33:45,060 --> 00:33:49,160 there they was, standing outside the smokehouse, and they was a -singing they 396 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:53,260 horse, ma 'am. Dressed as cowboys. No, they was wearing a long combinations, ma 397 00:33:53,260 --> 00:33:55,740 'am. Oh, and what were they singing? Blowing in the wind. 398 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:01,580 Mighty person, mighty person. Yes. Well, now, what... What are you going to sing 399 00:34:01,580 --> 00:34:04,260 for us? Well, I'm going to sing one of my little songs I've written myself, and 400 00:34:04,260 --> 00:34:05,820 I'm going to be accompanied by Miss Pearl. 401 00:34:06,060 --> 00:34:08,380 Oh, yes, Miss Pearl. Now, isn't she your kiff and kin? 402 00:34:08,699 --> 00:34:12,940 Well, I says to her, can I kiff you? She says, yes, you kin. So you must see 403 00:34:12,940 --> 00:34:15,540 her. See you, fine -looking woman you are. 404 00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:20,940 Well, now to sing for us, accompanied by Miss Pearl, Dickie Dido. 405 00:34:35,050 --> 00:34:39,110 other in the street today, the memories came back. 406 00:34:39,590 --> 00:34:45,170 Like first time that you came to lunch at my poor old mammy's shack. 407 00:34:45,670 --> 00:34:51,250 She said, now tell me, can you guess what's for lunch today, my son? 408 00:34:51,730 --> 00:34:57,310 Well, I knew it was roly -poly pudding, cause she only had one stocking on. 409 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:21,820 it not to hear. 410 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:27,980 I said, if you don't go, I'll stay in the water till it gets dark. 411 00:35:28,380 --> 00:35:33,980 I said, don't worry about me, ma 'am. I just came to feed the shark. 412 00:35:34,380 --> 00:35:40,400 But there's golden days over there in the long gone by. 413 00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:46,120 Nevermore will they return no matter how we try. 414 00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:48,740 But it was just the 415 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:52,280 that I again saw you. 416 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:58,420 But I was with my husband and several children, too. 417 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:05,920 As I passed you in the street, oh, I smiled, for I could see what 418 00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:10,580 a big, fat, ugly crow you turned out to be. 419 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:34,180 I'd reached the age of 14 and I hadn't started courting and my mum was getting 420 00:39:34,180 --> 00:39:35,180 worried about me. 421 00:39:36,540 --> 00:39:40,140 She says, Dad, it's time you told him all about the birds and bees. He says, 422 00:39:40,140 --> 00:39:41,880 birds and bees, and he sat me on his knee. 423 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:47,160 He says, now, remember Uncle Joe at that picnic a while ago where we went off 424 00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:48,540 into the woods with Aunty Pat? 425 00:39:49,420 --> 00:39:53,100 And how I chased old Riley's daughter and what happened when I caught her? I 426 00:39:53,100 --> 00:39:54,780 said, yeah. He said, well, birds and bees does that. 427 00:39:59,210 --> 00:40:00,630 Dad works very hard indeed. 428 00:40:00,870 --> 00:40:04,050 Well, he got ten kids to feed. Well, ten and seven ninths, to be precise. 429 00:40:05,090 --> 00:40:10,150 And we all wear hand -me -downs. And as I am the youngest and the others are all 430 00:40:10,150 --> 00:40:11,210 girls, it ain't very nice. 431 00:40:12,030 --> 00:40:15,330 Dad says, it's time that you got wet. I says, I'd rather drop down dead. He 432 00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:17,310 says, now, how about old Maud from Oakley Down? 433 00:40:17,630 --> 00:40:19,390 I says, Maud, not bloody likely. 434 00:40:20,030 --> 00:40:23,110 She's been had by all the chaps in Oakley. He says, well, Oakley's really 435 00:40:23,110 --> 00:40:24,110 a little town. 436 00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:31,760 He says, you've got to get a wife. You can't go on enjoying life or folks will 437 00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:35,640 think you're strange and start to frown. I say to him, now look, why should I 438 00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:39,760 buy a book when there's a thriving lending library in the town? 439 00:40:43,020 --> 00:40:46,520 One day I found a friend who was out by Badger's End. 440 00:40:46,880 --> 00:40:51,340 A little pigeon fell down to my feet. Its feathers was flecked with red and at 441 00:40:51,340 --> 00:40:54,520 first I thought he's dead and then I knelt and I felt his little heart still 442 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:55,520 beat. 443 00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:59,660 I cupped him in my hands and I ran home to my mam and she said, son, I'm as 444 00:40:59,660 --> 00:41:03,600 proud of you as I can be. You're thoughtful and you're kind and you've 445 00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:06,240 gentle mind and that'll do a treat for your old father's teeth. 446 00:41:08,580 --> 00:41:11,280 I says you shall not touch my bird. 447 00:41:15,760 --> 00:41:20,080 And with another word, I took him in my room and I shut the door and then I 448 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:21,080 bathed him. 449 00:41:21,230 --> 00:41:24,370 I warmed him and I nursed him back to health. Because, you see, I'd never 450 00:41:24,370 --> 00:41:25,370 had a friend before. 451 00:41:26,050 --> 00:41:30,070 I taught him little tricks, like playing dead and picking up sticks. And the 452 00:41:30,070 --> 00:41:32,430 village girls, they brought bird seed every day. 453 00:41:33,690 --> 00:41:34,690 Dad, 454 00:41:35,730 --> 00:41:39,430 you can't come in, I'd shout, or my birdie will fly out. But, of course, I 455 00:41:39,430 --> 00:41:40,610 the village girls all stay. 456 00:41:40,930 --> 00:41:45,050 Well, there was Mabel from the stable and Mary from the dairy. We had a visit 457 00:41:45,050 --> 00:41:46,230 from our beauty queen. 458 00:41:47,210 --> 00:41:49,450 And that great big Betty Mavery. 459 00:41:49,930 --> 00:41:51,210 and she got her own aviary. 460 00:41:52,610 --> 00:41:55,130 Well, she got the biggest pair of keats I've ever seen. 461 00:42:03,430 --> 00:42:05,790 Dad says you ought to let him go. 462 00:42:06,090 --> 00:42:09,770 The mum, she says, oh, no, you just want to get some shooting practice in. But 463 00:42:09,770 --> 00:42:14,350 the vicar says, my son, it really isn't done, and to lock up a wild thing, well, 464 00:42:14,390 --> 00:42:15,390 that's a thing. 465 00:42:16,130 --> 00:42:18,230 One morning, when it was all still, 466 00:42:19,020 --> 00:42:20,580 I took him up to Badger's Hill. 467 00:42:20,980 --> 00:42:25,140 I lost the only little friend I had that day. Not a word I said, I just kissed 468 00:42:25,140 --> 00:42:29,580 his little head and I opened my hands and I watched him fly away. 469 00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:33,460 He circled up and round and then he settled on the ground and off he went 470 00:42:33,460 --> 00:42:37,660 straight up to the sky and then I looked and I could see he was flying back to 471 00:42:37,660 --> 00:42:41,280 me and then he swooped and then he popped right in my eye. 472 00:42:59,210 --> 00:43:00,590 across a pigeon with a cow. 473 00:43:03,110 --> 00:43:06,830 And Dad says, here, there's a caper, I'll go get a bit of paper. I says, 474 00:43:06,830 --> 00:43:08,190 be daft, he's miles away from you. 475 00:43:10,910 --> 00:43:17,810 Dad says, I 476 00:43:17,810 --> 00:43:21,530 know you lost a friend, but it's really not the end. 477 00:43:21,790 --> 00:43:24,950 You'll be married and have your family of your own quite soon. 478 00:43:25,510 --> 00:43:27,030 Well, I never said a word. 479 00:43:27,820 --> 00:43:33,500 But you see, that little bird had lured 18 little ravers up to my room. 480 00:43:34,340 --> 00:43:39,660 So if anyone's got a spare cockatoo or an old crow they don't want, I'd be very 481 00:43:39,660 --> 00:43:40,660 much... 482 00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:58,660 not the sort of night one wants to be alone. 483 00:44:02,700 --> 00:44:05,900 I'm a lonely sort of man, almost friendless. 484 00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:09,740 At least, that is how it was in the past. 485 00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:13,960 My search for a companion was endless. 486 00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:19,820 But that's all over now, for at last, I've made a friend. 487 00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:21,820 I've made a friend. 488 00:44:22,920 --> 00:44:25,820 I followed in the very latest trend. 489 00:44:27,630 --> 00:44:31,830 I took a book down from the shelf, the one entitled Do It Yourself, and went 490 00:44:31,830 --> 00:44:33,990 ahead and made myself a friend. 491 00:44:34,790 --> 00:44:37,650 I hope my friend will not offend. 492 00:44:38,910 --> 00:44:41,790 His manners I can safely recommend. 493 00:44:42,370 --> 00:44:49,130 Though he looks a bit ferocious, he's not really so 494 00:44:49,130 --> 00:44:50,130 atrocious. 495 00:44:50,610 --> 00:44:56,030 And I'm sure that one could love him in the head, my friend. 496 00:45:02,990 --> 00:45:03,990 Oh, dear, 497 00:45:05,490 --> 00:45:08,190 you burst into my laboratory. What do you want? What do you want? Wait, wait, 498 00:45:08,250 --> 00:45:12,410 wait. What exactly do you do up here? Well, I am just experimenting. 499 00:45:12,750 --> 00:45:13,649 What with? 500 00:45:13,650 --> 00:45:16,430 Well, if you must know, I've made a man. 501 00:45:16,870 --> 00:45:17,870 Made a man? 502 00:45:18,050 --> 00:45:19,190 Oh, you're just kidding. 503 00:45:19,530 --> 00:45:21,870 Where is he? Yeah, where is he? Let's see. 504 00:45:22,070 --> 00:45:24,290 All right, all right. Very well, then. Very well, then. 505 00:45:49,680 --> 00:45:52,520 And bits of me ain't in their proper place. 506 00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:58,740 With bolts sticking out of me neck, I ain't no Gregory Peck. I'm more like a 507 00:45:58,740 --> 00:46:00,560 thing what's come from Arthur's Bay. 508 00:46:01,440 --> 00:46:08,000 Oh, I have been put together rather strangely, which puts me in a rather 509 00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:09,000 spot. 510 00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:15,340 I've got me teeth and hair, and I know me feet are there. I only hope there's 511 00:46:15,340 --> 00:46:16,400 nothing he's forgot. 512 00:46:18,570 --> 00:46:20,650 I've been put together rather loosely. 513 00:46:21,330 --> 00:46:24,490 And most of me is covered in dirt and dust. 514 00:46:25,610 --> 00:46:28,850 If ever I have kids, they'll all be redheads. 515 00:46:29,210 --> 00:46:32,650 Cause me vital parts are showing signs of rust. 516 00:46:33,790 --> 00:46:36,710 I've been put together rather badly. 517 00:46:37,390 --> 00:46:40,510 I'm just a little worried about meself. 518 00:46:41,130 --> 00:46:47,070 Cause every time I cough, another bit drops off. 519 00:46:50,350 --> 00:46:54,010 Oh, I can't help feeling I'm not in the best of health. 520 00:46:54,630 --> 00:46:58,070 Oh, we can't help feeling he's not in the best of health. 521 00:46:59,290 --> 00:47:01,150 Oh, poor thing. 522 00:47:01,610 --> 00:47:04,110 You know, I think he's rather sweet. 523 00:47:04,490 --> 00:47:05,490 You do? 524 00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:37,680 I'll drink to that. 525 00:48:18,510 --> 00:48:19,990 A cave for two. 526 00:48:21,310 --> 00:48:25,370 Near a swamp where we can run. No. 527 00:48:26,370 --> 00:48:28,590 Stay true. Stay true. 528 00:48:29,030 --> 00:48:32,510 We'll have rat and vampire bat. 529 00:48:32,770 --> 00:48:35,450 And all good monsters. Good. 530 00:48:36,210 --> 00:48:38,090 Winning thunder and lightning.